Don’t wear white after Labor Day. Why not?

Who made this arbitrary decree about not wearing white after Labor Day, and what the hell were they thinking? A shallow dive into the source of this delusional directive tells us that this was elitists way of separating the wealthy folk who summer in a different locale from us mere plebes who don’t use “summer” as a verb. 

Always the rebel, I readily flout this ostensible fashion faux pas. For one thing, in Texas anyway, it’s still freakin’ summer after Labor Day—sunny, muggy, and 90+ degrees outside. Really, September is just August part deux cuz there’s no seasonal change happening, certainly not one that warrants packing up your white attire. I have no patience for fashion fascists.

I do have a few rules of my own about when and where NOT to wear white, but it has nothing to do with Labor Day but everything to do with laborious. Here goes: 

Don’t wear a white outfit to the airport while traveling with children, especially children who have melted chocolate in their carry-on or pockets. Inevitably, usually before even boarding the plane, said children/biohazardous crumb monkeys will get their chocolate out, set it down unwrapped nearby, while you are busy keeping track of everyone’s boarding passes, IDs, snacks, and all their other essential paraphernalia, completely oblivious to the disastrophe that awaits you. Pretty sure you know what happens next. That’s right, you’re gonna sit on melted chocolate and it will look like you’ve got poo on your pants. Now we’ve got a fashion faux poo. Trust me when I tell you that it won’t wash off and any attempt to do so will only result in smearing the chocolate around more and making your situation more dire. You will shame the family. 

I’ve yet to top the aforementioned debacle, but I do think long and hard before donning all white to other events. Here’s a partial list:

 -a wine tasting (red, of course)

-a barbecue

-a picnic with children (they always have chocolate cuz they be like that, diabolical creatures)

-a rodeo, fair/festival, or an outdoor sporting event

So don’t listen to the antiquated edict, “Don’t wear white after Labor Day.” They should change it to “Don’t wear white to a Labor Day picnic!” Wear white year round if you’re feelin’ it. Winter white (creamy, off-white, or ecru) is soooo fashionable no matter the season. Just don’t go anywhere outside with children or farm animals and forgodsake don’t go to the airport. 

Pantsdemic

 The Pantsdemic is upon us!

Eternal optimists will find a silver (silk) lining in anything, even a plague. Death, poverty, abject fear, isolation, political daymares... the list goes on. I'm not gonna minimize the magnitude of this pandemic, but I would like to highlight some of the sartorial upsides. I call it "Pantsdemic." 

Pants, trousers, jeans... They've gone by the wayside along with the inherent zippers, buttons, and binds. Thing o' the past baby. Now, now in these challenging times (OK, it's waaaayyy past 'challenging'.  Euphemisms! Challenging is a long conversation with a bore who questions climate change, not a deadly virus decimating the earth’s population), we need comfortable pants and pockets (equal pay too, but please give me pockets!). Just cuz I'm talking about pants doesn't mean I don't have perspective, but I do have pantspective. We are not wearing pants anymore, not like we used to. 

We're in the midst of a Pantsdemic. If you're working or staying at home, I guarantee you're part of the Pantsdemic, and you likely don one or more of the following:

Zoom pants (nobody sees them, so who cares): 

• pants optional (be mindful of your video cam)
• sweat pants/pj pants
• elastic, fold over, or drawstring waist anything

Grocery pants:

• same as zoom pants but without the option to opt out (of pants)

Same pants: 

• rotating the same 2-3  pairs of pants since the beginning of the Pantsdemic depending on the weather, your activity, or the proximity of the pants to where you are. I guess those would be proximity pants. Here’s what my friend has to say about same pants: “So they're pjs, dog-walking pants, the bottom half of my Zoom "outfit", and then I go to sleep in them again.” Now that’s a woman getting some mileage out of Pantsdemic. 

Bubble pants: 

• sounds like clown pants, but it's really pants you wear in your self-created social bubble, those small groups of friends and family who you safely socialize with at someone's house, sometimes outside. 
• skeeter pants: pants that cover your legs to protect from mosquitoes, some of them carrying the West Nile virus (cuz we need more killer viruses).
• super broke-in yoga pants. Nobody's doing yoga at this S.D. gathering but you might wax philosophical after countless bottles of wine. You're in the right pants, aka drunk pants or pass out pants.

Poundemic pants (I didn’t coin this term, poundemic, but I wish I had):

• expandable pants; they grow with you. We all need growth now. Pre-pandemic, I called these “buffet pants” but nobody’s goin’ to buffets anymore, so....

There’s no new normal, just new weird, and I believe the Pantsdemic is here to stay. Think of all the time saved on wardrobe planning, and we can use that time for better things, so pull on your comfy pants and go save the world! By the way, I’ll be wearing my blue joggers at the polls, my poll pants.

The Truth About Jogger Pants

Here's a unisex style that I'm still wrapping my head around—jogger pants. First of all, jogger pants occur on a continuum (like so many things). This is the continuum, as near as I can tell: 

Pajama Bottoms----------Sweatpants-----------Jogger Pants------------Harem Pants 

At this point, I want you to ask yourself if you even want to be on this continuum, outside of your own home, that is. OK, if you answered, "Yes, I believe I'm exceptional enough to successfully rock jogger pants," then keep reading. First of all, jogger pants are really just glorified sweatpants with a large elastic band and/or zipper at the ankle. The waist is usually elastic, frequently with a drawstring. From a comfort perspective, they're a go-go; from a fashion perspective, a no-go. 

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm skeptical about items that are this wholeheartedly unisex. That's right: men and women can readily sport jogger pants; however, styling options vary between men and women. The commonality appears to be the option to up-style these uber-casual comfort pants. So, women can pair them with heels and a blouse, sweater, or jacket. I don't know about you, but if I'm going to go to the trouble to wear heels (and, let's be clear, it's a lot of trouble), I think I can take an extra ten minutes and scare up some jeans, trousers, or a skirt. 

Men tend to either embrace jogger pants as the athletic wear they are or by creating some sort of hybrid: sporty-meets-streetwear. 

Bottom line: jogger pants are riddled with contradictions and juxtapositions and this is the message they send: "I'm pseudo-athletic, overconfident, extremely self-aware, fashion-addled, and totally willing to take unnecessary sartorial risks." Either that, or it's laundry day. 

My advice, if a clothing item has the word, "jog" in it, take this literally.  

Unconstructed Wraps: Ponchos, Capes, and Shawls

Now that the temperatures have dropped a little bit, it's time to think about some alternate ways to stay warm. Ponchos, capes, and shawls are great because they combine the credibility of real clothes with the comfort of a bathrobe. Who doesn’t love wearing pajamas to work and making a fashion courage statement?

It’s possible to make this trend work for you, but you have to be skillful. For example, if you’re not careful, some of these wraps can fail miserably if they add too much bulk. Case in point, what I call "the bearskin rug shawl" will make you look like you’ve just returned from the Yukon Territory where you survived on nothing but whale blubber and caribou jerky. Avoid this look.

To pull this style off successfully, pair a poncho, cape, or shawl with black or indigo jeggings or skinny jeans and boots—ankle, tall, or over-the-knee if you’re feelin’ it, with at least a three-inch heel and a superhero attitude. After all, you’re wearing your magic cape. 

Besides selecting the best items to work with this style, you'll need to consider the color scheme with caution. Stick with neutrals:  camel, brown, tan, grey, and black work best; otherwise, you’ll look like you’re wearing a flag—and that’s never a good look. Whatever you do, don’t wear a scarf with this get-up, or people will think you’re a gypsy. 

The fabric is also crucial. Crocheted knit wraps will send the wrong message—like, this is my “I-have-the-flu-and-I’m-wearing-my-couch- throw-with-cat-hair ensemble.” Drapey cotton or woolen knits are the best and they’ll readily cinch up with a cute leather belt. Boiled wool capes will get you mistaken for a British detective, a la Sherlock Holmes—and not the hot Benedict Cumberbatch version. 

It doesn’t matter what you wear underneath it because it won’t show. So, by all means take liberties, go crazy—wear your favorite T-shirt, the one that says WTF?….or your knit pajama top. Obviously, this option will depend on your current mood. These items are truly a modern miracle, in part because you can eat as much as you want at the buffet and be totally comfortable. So, go for it, throw on a poncho, cape, or shawl, and don’t forget to twirl.

2012, A Year in Review: Teasey, Booty, and Skinny

It's that time again--time to look back and reflect on the fashion trends and triumphs of a year gone by. Here goes, in no particular order--

•  Jersey Shore: hair extensions, fake tan/boobs, jungle prints, and Jersey patois. Why so popular? I think it's because they set the bar so high for tacky and sleezy, let's call it teasey. No one can be that consistently over-the-top in all things teasey, so it gives us mere mortals something to aspire to. Considering this, my new year's resolutions include: getting tan, buff, drunk, and laid. When you think about it, they're all connected.  



• Bootie Call: Am I the only one who noticed that this only quasi-stylish item is selling like crazy because some genius named it booty?  Booties--not  a full-blown boot, not a shoe, but footwear that makes us think about sex. Bravo! Listen people--wear booties with jeans and trousers, NOT shorts and skirts. The same goes for shooties--shoe+bootie=shootie. Here's one you might not know about--sandal boots. This is gladiator meets exotic dancer. As far as I know, this item doesn't have a provocative name yet, but it deserves one. 
• Skinny Jeans: another marketing marvel.  The skinny jean phenomena knows no boundaries. The demographic range on this one is truly stunning: men, women, and children of all ages, shapes, and sizes sport skinny jeans. How can something with so little going for it be so universally appealing? You know why: because of the word SKINNY, that's why. Skinny jeans won't make you skinny just like boyfriend jeans won't love you. A more apt name for these would be Sausage Casing, but who's gonna buy that? Go ahead, wear them; I can't stop you, but don't kid yourself. Strap 'em on with your fake tan, booties, and plenty o' swagger and take 2013 by the balls, but watch out for the next great thing. I guarantee it'll come with a label that'll make you feel like a rockstar (and probably end in the letter y).

Fashion Lexicon: Decoding the Jargon

Every group sets themselves apart with their language. Remember the first club you created with your friends when you were a kid? You probably named it something stupid, gave each other monikers, and maybe even came up with some secret words or phrases that only the group knew. Fashion is no different from this juvenile club. Still, it's easy to get sucked in, thinking "God, what the hell does "on trend" mean? How can I do it if I don't even know what it means. I'll never be stylish." No worries--I'll decode some of the terminology for you and add some of my own as a little extra. Then you can be in my club.

1. On trend: in style, fashionable at the moment, very current. Sometimes fashion people will try to persuade you to buy something absurd by calling it "on trend" so be wary of this one.

2. Monochrome and tone on tone: wearing all one color or all in the same color family, like the UPS guy or gal. Now, before you dismiss this, consider that dressing primarily in the same color family head to toe can make you look thinner and richer. In NYC, it's all black all the time. I prefer navy. It's not the new black but it's not old navy either. Forget school uniforms--navy is crisp, chic and slimming. Style it with a color pop--a bold necklace or a hot pink scarf. This one's a keeper.

3. Distressed: synonym: antique (furniture-yes; fashion-no). Distressed? Really? This just means the item looks worn or faded, maybe ripped and shredded. The only way this word should be associated with fashion is to describe an outfit that's pulled a 3-day drunk in Vegas or a leather jacket worn by Keith Richards. Move on and forgodsake don't combine it with tone on tone.

Now, I'll offer up a few of my own pet terms, so you'll be familiar when I refer to them in the future.

4. Bus station: mixing prints and/or plaids and possibly polka dots in the same outfit. You might see this one in a fashion magazine (or a bus station) on a freckled waif with tousled hair, and you might think it looks eclectic and carefree. You'd be wrong. No percent of the population can pull off this look successfully.

5. Prison chic: this oxymoron just describes head to toe denim. Denim's great; we all love it, but there's no need to get carried away. The only exception would be a dark denim suit--very fitted with a feminine touch like a ruffled blouse.

6. Duck mother: You'll frequently see this abomination during fall/winter holidays like Halloween and Christmas. Examples include sweaters with pumpkins or Christmas trees on them, sometimes combined with pants in a coordinating print (now duck mother meets bus station, and you know this is a losing combo). Let me be clear--do not wear giant themes on your body. You'll look like an idiot.

Remember, groups need their secret language to feel special, but fashion is for everywoman, so when you see a term like "colorblocked" don't be intimidated. It's fashion, not rocket science, which is more like paper airplane science.

Why women love shoes

Life will let you down. It's inevitable. You'll work so hard for something that you can taste it, but that won't make it yours. Maybe it's that perfect internship, job, promotion, vacation, boyfriend/husband, baby, house, svelte figure, great hair, high salary, or whatever it is that you think might complete you. Oh sure, I know--superficial, material things won't fill up your soul, but this is a fashion blog, so read something else for your soul. Most women have a love/hate relationship with their wardrobe. That's right, the magic cape can go turncoat in a heartbeat. A wardrobe will let you down: the powersuit that always did the trick finally stops turning tricks; the carefree peasant ensemble makes you look like an aging gypsy; that sexy date outfit gets you mistaken for a hotel hooker. Shoes are different. They can take you to another place where all those other things don't matter because when you put them on you either strut or float. They might embody everything you want to be, and voila--you are. Not even trouser jeans can do that. Leather, suede, patent, snakeskin, lizard, denim, canvas, rubber, feather, bejeweled, wedge, platform, spiked, kitten, gladiator, slingbacks, peep-toe--oh the variety! When you show your friend a new outfit, what's the first thing she asks? "What shoes will you wear with it?" of course. But rarely do women complain that they have to buy a new pair of shoes. Why would you complain about something with that much harnessed potential. Shoes might give you blisters, but they won't let you down. So if the shoe fits, buy it.