Fashion Lexicon: Decoding the Jargon

Every group sets themselves apart with their language. Remember the first club you created with your friends when you were a kid? You probably named it something stupid, gave each other monikers, and maybe even came up with some secret words or phrases that only the group knew. Fashion is no different from this juvenile club. Still, it's easy to get sucked in, thinking "God, what the hell does "on trend" mean? How can I do it if I don't even know what it means. I'll never be stylish." No worries--I'll decode some of the terminology for you and add some of my own as a little extra. Then you can be in my club.

1. On trend: in style, fashionable at the moment, very current. Sometimes fashion people will try to persuade you to buy something absurd by calling it "on trend" so be wary of this one.

2. Monochrome and tone on tone: wearing all one color or all in the same color family, like the UPS guy or gal. Now, before you dismiss this, consider that dressing primarily in the same color family head to toe can make you look thinner and richer. In NYC, it's all black all the time. I prefer navy. It's not the new black but it's not old navy either. Forget school uniforms--navy is crisp, chic and slimming. Style it with a color pop--a bold necklace or a hot pink scarf. This one's a keeper.

3. Distressed: synonym: antique (furniture-yes; fashion-no). Distressed? Really? This just means the item looks worn or faded, maybe ripped and shredded. The only way this word should be associated with fashion is to describe an outfit that's pulled a 3-day drunk in Vegas or a leather jacket worn by Keith Richards. Move on and forgodsake don't combine it with tone on tone.

Now, I'll offer up a few of my own pet terms, so you'll be familiar when I refer to them in the future.

4. Bus station: mixing prints and/or plaids and possibly polka dots in the same outfit. You might see this one in a fashion magazine (or a bus station) on a freckled waif with tousled hair, and you might think it looks eclectic and carefree. You'd be wrong. No percent of the population can pull off this look successfully.

5. Prison chic: this oxymoron just describes head to toe denim. Denim's great; we all love it, but there's no need to get carried away. The only exception would be a dark denim suit--very fitted with a feminine touch like a ruffled blouse.

6. Duck mother: You'll frequently see this abomination during fall/winter holidays like Halloween and Christmas. Examples include sweaters with pumpkins or Christmas trees on them, sometimes combined with pants in a coordinating print (now duck mother meets bus station, and you know this is a losing combo). Let me be clear--do not wear giant themes on your body. You'll look like an idiot.

Remember, groups need their secret language to feel special, but fashion is for everywoman, so when you see a term like "colorblocked" don't be intimidated. It's fashion, not rocket science, which is more like paper airplane science.

Why women love shoes

Life will let you down. It's inevitable. You'll work so hard for something that you can taste it, but that won't make it yours. Maybe it's that perfect internship, job, promotion, vacation, boyfriend/husband, baby, house, svelte figure, great hair, high salary, or whatever it is that you think might complete you. Oh sure, I know--superficial, material things won't fill up your soul, but this is a fashion blog, so read something else for your soul. Most women have a love/hate relationship with their wardrobe. That's right, the magic cape can go turncoat in a heartbeat. A wardrobe will let you down: the powersuit that always did the trick finally stops turning tricks; the carefree peasant ensemble makes you look like an aging gypsy; that sexy date outfit gets you mistaken for a hotel hooker. Shoes are different. They can take you to another place where all those other things don't matter because when you put them on you either strut or float. They might embody everything you want to be, and voila--you are. Not even trouser jeans can do that. Leather, suede, patent, snakeskin, lizard, denim, canvas, rubber, feather, bejeweled, wedge, platform, spiked, kitten, gladiator, slingbacks, peep-toe--oh the variety! When you show your friend a new outfit, what's the first thing she asks? "What shoes will you wear with it?" of course. But rarely do women complain that they have to buy a new pair of shoes. Why would you complain about something with that much harnessed potential. Shoes might give you blisters, but they won't let you down. So if the shoe fits, buy it.

Scratch That Itch--Recession Shopping

Okay, I'm no neuroscientist, but I'm pretty sure studies show that shopping releases endorphins, those feel-good brain chemicals that we produce when we exercise, have sex, or eat chocolate. Now all of the above come with a price tag (of sorts) but I'm not a big fan of self-denial, so I've devised a way to continue shopping and releasing this happy brain juice even in hard times. You can pick and choose from these four tips for successful recession shopping--easy on the bank account, good for your brain.

1. Shop in your own closet. You liked it the first time. I know, I know--people are always telling you to cull, get rid of anything you haven't worn in a year. Whatever. I say, give it a second glance, try it on, reinvent it. Everything comes back around eventually anyway (flared pants, leggings, high waists, platforms). If it still fits, just style it differently this time: hem it, add a scarf, a fitted jacket or cardigan, some attitude and voila--it's new again.

2. Thrift shopping is AMAZING because it rivals the rush you get from regular shopping but without the credit card bills. One of my friends recently found an actual Burberry trench coat in her size for $18.00 at my favorite thrift store. She wears it constantly and talks about it the way deer hunters brag about bagging a 12 point buck. Another friend snagged a pair of Hudson skinny jeans for about 3 dollars. She liked them even better when I told her they were designer, albeit British.

Another friend needed some professional work clothes but she couldn't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe. Two hours, 3 pairs of trousers, 1 skirt, 2 tops, 1 jacket, and 27 dollars later and she was stylish and polished. As her wardrobe consultant, I was giddy with pride, a regular Mother Theresa of fashion.

3. Girlfriend exchanges are great for getting rid of stuff and procuring new pieces. Here's how it works: tell your friends to gather up clothes and accessories they're not wearing. Invite them over; then everyone sets up a small shop in your living room, displaying their items. You all take turns selecting things from each other's shops. Whatever is left over can be donated. This one can be a lot of fun because it will likely involve trying things on, ridiculing bizarre items (What kind of manic state were you in when you bought a bolo tie?), and lots of bonding.

4. Shopping Bulimia. I saved this one for last, not because it's the best or the worst, but because it has the most shame on it, kind of a sticky layer of shame that can be washed off later. There are several levels to shopping bulimia so I'll keep it simple for now. First of all, you must save all receipts. When you notice that you haven't worn something and you're not likely to, bag it up and return to the scene. Return it for money or credit, whichever you need the most and the store agrees to. When something has gone past the return date (many stores allow only 30 days to return something), ditch the receipt and take store credit. Be vague about when you bought it. Sometimes you won't even want to purge something you've bought, but you see it's gone on sale and damn it, that should have been the price you paid. Return it and buy it back later; after a shift change is good. Be careful with this one; it's not as wholesome as the others and it can be addictive, so tread lightly.

My point here is that you shouldn't have to give up something as enjoyable as shopping just because the economy is in shambles, but if you follow these tips you can have your Kate Spade and eat it too.

Trouser Jeans will make you a badass

What gives us power?  Money, fame, authority, big boobs?  Hmmm. Some might say yes to all of the above or some of the above, but we all know that power isn't handed to us and that just because we have it one day doesn't mean we'll have it the next. So power is fleeting. Wouldn't it be great if you could just strap some on like wonder woman's golden lasso? Oh she had it all: brains, confidence, beauty, a great body, big hair and plenty o' power thanks to that special lasso.

Y'know what? You can have the equivalent-- in the form of trouser jeans. That's right: trouser jeans will make you a badass. You'll exude confidence in trouser jeans. They don't just say Take me seriously;  they say Don't fuck with me! Maybe you're thinkin' that's a lot of talkin for a pair of pants. Well it is, but these are power pants so they send a strong message and provide

überconfidence. Trouser jeans should fit well, not too snug but they're definitely fitted. Remember, you'll be strutting, so they should hug your curves. They'll be indigo or black and they'll nearly graze the ground over your heels or boots (boots give you a natural swagger). The stretch component will keep everything in place but won't constrict--can't afford to be slowed down when you're ruling an empire or staging an overthrow. Maybe you're asking yourself if you can handle this kind of power. My answer to that is: you'll never know until you try. So strap on some trouser jeans, channel wonder woman, and go for it. Everyone deserves to be a badass.

Jeggings: They're a J-No

Y'know how some things work in theory but not in practice? Well, some things don't work in either. Listen, and I say this unequivocally--jeggings is a failed design, kinda like the jumpsuit.  From a word-formation standpoint, it's alright, even kinda cute. Jeans+Leggings=Jeggings. Let's dig deeper though and look at the parts: jeans are great, just universally appealing; leggings are okay (seriously they are just okay--not everyone can or should wear leggings). So it stands to reason that if you take something as delightful as jeans and add something that's not repulsive, you'd get a decent end result. You'd be wrong. This reminds me of when somebody thought it would be a good idea to mix peanut butter and jelly together in the same jar, swirled in layers. It was disgusting, and so are jeggings. Some hybrids just don't work. Before I go into a full-throttle rant, I'd just like to point out that a miniscule percentage of the female population can wear jeggings somewhat successfully. This person is under the age of 20, petite but slightly curvy (size 0 or 2), and graceful but also athletic, so basically a ballerina/gymnast/mouseketeer, possibly Romanian. And you know what? She'd look better in something else. If you are in this micro percentage of the population and inexplicably drawn to jeggings, please, please, please wear something over them that covers your butt, cuz this hybrid is more leggings than jeans and they do not function as full-blown pants/trousers, not even close. A boyfriend cardigan might do the trick. Jeggings is a J-No.